It was time for the girls to get their hair trimmed. While cutting my daughter's hair, the hair dresser tried to make conversation and asked me about my kids...I find it intriguing how small talk begins honest and innocent, but then quickly turns into a dance of how much you are willing to share:
"Are these your only children?" Yup, just two!
"Just girls, no boys?" No, only girls.... I don't mention that I always dreamed of having a boy too.
"You're young, don't you want any more?" Hmm...glad to hear I still look young. Still a safe, easy question to answer truthfully. No, I hear myself say, I don't think so.
"But you're so young, are you sure?" She's more bold than most. In the split second before I answer, I consider how deep to go with this conversation. Do I bring up cancer? Do I bring up the grief I went through in letting go of my dreams to have more children? No, those topics make people uncomfortable and create an awkward chasm in conversations. "I'm happy with my two." Still honest, but a cover to keep the conversation shallow and light. I wish I knew a way to share more depth of myself without creating the awkward silence when the other person doesn't know they just opened a can of worms.
How can we share our hurts and love those who hurt? Without pushing people away? It's such a fragile place. In the midst of dealing with my husband's cancer, there were times I got so tired of other people being clueless that I was falling apart on the inside. I imagined screaming to them, "I'm not just another person! My husband is sick and I don't know what that's going to do to me, to my kids, to my marriage! My life is drastically changed and nobody even notices!"
That's not how people behave in our society, but sometimes I wish we could. I wish we could share our hurts openly and in return receive loving support. We don't know how to act with each other in the depths of our real lives. The people who were the most helpful, the most supportive were those who offered to pray, to be there for whatever and whenever I needed them, the people who didn't talk about themselves, but allowed me to share myself and validated those feelings.
One friend and co-worker made the biggest impact with a simple direction. She knew my faith and she directed me towards Philippians 4. She told me to meditate on it, to study it, and see what God had for me there. Her advice changed my life and turned a very negative tragedy into one that brought good into my life. The kind of good that turns heartbreak into purpose.
I pray that you all have at least one person like my friend. To listen. Support. And to direct you towards God's love for us in the midst of life's biggest hurts.
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